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Life Through the Eyes of the Cosmic Heart
Last night I lay on my Beloved’s chest listening to his heartbeat and marveling at how such a vast being could also have a physical heart. The seeming contradiction, the paradox of such a thing, was all-consuming of any mental capacity to possibly understand it. Any inclination to understand became swallowed up immediately by the overwhelming wonder of beholding the unfathomable miracle of his existence.
In the silence all things become seen, all mysteries may be known. Through the portal of the cosmic heart we find our way home.
A Lesson from the Sprouts and a Tattoo Artist’s Wisdom
A Lesson from the Sprouts and a Tattooists Wisdom
This afternoon I went to tend to the sprouts that I have growing in my cupboard and noticed that they weren’t really growing at all. On inspection, the box that they were in was far too small and they didn’t have any room to move or expand.
All shoots need space to grow! If we don’t give ourselves that space that we need, if we try to squeeze ourselves into boxes that no longer fit, we can never become the things that we know in our hearts that we want to be. Our dreams will never sprout if we seek the comfort of boxes rather than the explosive nature of instead allowing ourselves to blow off the lid of conformity and break free.
Boxes – one of the greatest pitfalls on the path to Spiritual Mastery.
Professional tattoo artists who are highly skilled at their craft can often be heard saying things like “go big or go home”, meaning, get a proper tattoo or don’t bother.
This concept applies so well to the dreams of our heart, our visions for what life can be like and what we’d like it to be, and for how we see ourselves in relation to the positive impact that we can have on the world. There is no point whatsoever in dreaming small, because this is all that we’ll ever achieve if we do.
Perhaps we feel that our dreams are too large to actually be possible, for example we might need a team of assistants, we might need resources or equipment that we don’t have, or all manner of other things. If we cut the dreams short at that we stifle our own potential, and end up leaving only a tiny mark compared to what is actually possible if we tap into the full scope of ourselves and the magic that is already waiting inside.
My advice has always been and always will be to dream as big as you possibly can! Yes, some people are going to tell you it’s rubbish, that you’re mad, that what you want it’s impossible, some people will do everything in their power to cut you down. But where there’s a will there’s always a way, otherwise it would be impossible to even have the will in the first place. Absolutely anything that we can dream can be made into a reality if we work tirelessly not to battle external circumstances but to quell the battle of doubt within that tells us that Infinite potential is not ours to hold. Everything that we need is actually encoded in our cells, in every atom of our DNA, it just has to be brought online by the perspective that all things are possible and Infinite potential is the only reality. Knowing this, we can sing the praises of the glory of God because we know that that same glory is actually what we are, and what everyone else is too.
How can we but love when we see that freedom was ours all along? How can we be but grateful at the miracle of just being alive in a world where divine magic is at our own fingertips? All of this and more lights our DNA up like a house on fire, catapulting us into the reality that we were made for from the start.
The people who oppose us are gifts in disguise because they show us our own fears and doubts, they too are divine potential made manifest into form, and we can use everything that crosses our path as an impetus to spur us higher and higher and higher.
When we take everything as a gift and embrace it within the inclusive stronghold of our love, life itself is lit up by the gift of our presence.
An Old Story
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Me and my Mum
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I want to speak a little bit about my relationship with my mum. I am aware that parental relationships are a problem area for many, and I want to give my own personal insights that may help to bring to light why so many others of a spiritual nature have had problematic experiences with their parents or other close family members. I also want to share how the situation can be brought full circle, whatever that means for us.
Some of you who have connected with me personally know a bit about how this has been for me, and some of you who have known me in real life have known that this particular relationship has tended to be at its best non-existent, and at its worst a mother/daughter relationship from hell. That has not always been the case, and is not so much now. I want to explain however why this has been, and to hopefully attract a little bit of understanding as to why I am giving it my all to now heal this relationship once and for all.
I should note for the purpose of truth and clarity, that sometimes healing means seeing the perfection in parting at the end of the day.
As those of you who’ve been involved in my personal life have known, this particular healing has been an ongoing process for many years, and we’ve made incredible progress. I love my mum very much, and over the years I have learned to love her not as the person I expected her to be as my mother, but as another divine being on a journey of her own. It is a very different journey to mine, and one that I have come to accept fully will lead a very different way.
This attitude of unconditional acceptance of divinity accounts for the basis of unconditional love, that which does not put up with unacceptable behaviour, but never withdraws its love under any circumstances, regardless of who someone chooses to be. There is a very clear distinction here, as we cannot love anything fully if we first do not love ourselves. It is not unconditional love to allow another to override our unique perception with their own, that is attachment which stems from emotional wounding so deep that we are incapable of standing up for ourselves. Unconditional love is to love others absolutely as we allow them to go their own way, allowing ourselves in doing so to go ours. Perhaps for a time we will walk side by side, and that is a precious gift. Every moment counts for a blessing, and let us never forget this.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost
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Before I came into this world, my mum was overjoyed to know of me and to know that I was coming to her. She couldn’t wait to meet me, long before I was even conceived of in physical form. When I arrived, things were very different to what she’d expected, though she gave it her all to make my life wonderful and beautiful and full of happy experience anyway. She fed me good food, no rubbish, dressed me in beautiful clothes, taught me to read and write, sang me songs, read me stories, tucked me in at night. She played with me in the park and garden, took me places and introduced me to people, and decorated me a beautiful room to sleep in when I was old enough to have my own. Then somewhere it all went horribly wrong, or so it seemed.
When I was first born, my mum found to her puzzlement that I wasn’t like other babies, and had no idea how to cope with my strange state of being. Nothing to describe me was in any book. She knew immediately that something was “not right” amount me, but to her confusion, nobody else believed her. I didn’t sleep, and I cried continuously, imploring her to understand. She didn’t sleep, and cried continuously, imploring somebody else to understand. As I grew older, it became increasingly clear that I was very different indeed. At ten months old I began to talk, and by one year I was already extremely assertive about who and what I was. Family and friends thought it both amusing and amazing that I exclaimed with complete confidence, “Ciara will do it.”
To the great distress of my Mum, as I grew into a toddling child, I also began to talk about things that nobody else could fathom. I talked to myself, to things that weren’t there, to seemingly inanimate objects, and acted as if I was existing in a completely different reality. It was decided by some in my environment that I was “touched”, “a bit special”, “not all there”, and there developed a certain element of shame around these less than desirable parts of me. I told in great detail of my own distress over matters of energy and vibration that only I could see and feel, and about my struggle with physical difficulties like extreme sensitivity to touch, sounds, fabrics, chemicals and all sorts of “funny things” in everyday items. Of course, nobody had a clue what I was talking about.
When I became so overwhelmed by sensory and extra-sensory stimuli, I would stamp and shout and scream and become hysterical as if in a fit. As I did eventually start to sleep, I was plagued by unusually intense night terrors that alarmed even my parents. My co-ordination skills were beyond dreadful, and I would trip over or crash into elements of apparently nothing that were invisible. It seemed that my mum’s worst fears may be confirmed, perhaps I had some kind of disability. She suspected autism or something similar, but in those days nobody would listen. Besides, there were a few details that just didn’t add up.
During periods of calm, I also exhibited remarkable talent in fluency, literacy, poetry and general and varied acts of creativity. As well as the ability to communicate and even debate cohesively on complex subjects way beyond the scope of my age level, giving just about any adult a run for their money. Plus, I had an unnerving and piercing awareness seemingly on every matter, there was simply nothing that slipped my notice. This was of course much to the consternation of any person in my environment who ever tried to lie. I was clearly not mentally challenged, and so nothing at all about my condition made any sense. In a world that simply didn‘t recognise inherent spiritual gifts, how could it?
It became that the only way for my mum to get by while maintaining relationships with family or in fact any others, was to ignore my nonsensical ramblings completely, in the hope that I would eventually grow out of these “traits“. My fits were misinterpreted as naughty tantrums by all but my mum, who tried her best to help when we were alone though she was often hysterical herself. During my very early life, we had our own private world that nobody else could enter, and that bond could never be broken no matter how obscured it may become. However, it wasn’t to last in the manner in which it originally began.
Soon, unable to keep up with the level of tension which I had to face within myself, I because “naughty” in the eyes of my mum too. In response to increasingly persistent questions that she couldn’t answer, she began to make things up instead. I later interpreted this directly as lying, and felt an inexplicable sense of betrayal. I wanted to learn about everything and space to lapse into absent thought in my presence was an unlikely occurrence, hence, I was said that I never shut up and began to be told to shut up. I simply did not understand why others didn’t want to engage, such was my unquenchable fascination with life. As gifts for Christmases and birthdays family would give me things like dictionary, atlases and encyclopaedias, which I scoured from cover to cover searching for answers. But nothing seemed to satisfy my yearning, and a restless discontent began to grow in me that said the outlets I had available just wasn‘t enough. I struggled to find the words to describe the tools I needed, and in any case, nobody could comprehend what I was actually looking for and why I would even want it anyway. Instead I badgered anyone who would listen to tell me more of what they knew about the world. Exasperated family were often then quoted in saying to my mum, “Why did you teach that child to speak?”
It was around the time I entered formal school that the trouble really started, had it not already existed previously. Bombarded with programming that made no sense to my expanded vision, rather than accepting it my left brain just shut down completely. I would scream blue murder over a basic math problem, and 10 minutes later regale an elaborate and highly imaginative story with complete joy and ease. Quite how fast I flip flopped between the two nobody could rationally keep up with. It was discovered that I was unable to memorise any kind of sequence, and a set of simple instructions at home that I was to follow through would turn into a shrieking stamping nightmare, not a tantrum but a fit of utter despair, where I heard only white noise, and my poor mum heard only the struggle of her child to function in the most fundamental of ways. She wondered how I would cope with life and choked me with what she thought was protection, and what to me was attempts to control my every thought and every move. As my childhood progressed, I resented this in ways that left me seething with rage.
At four years old, unbeknownst to my parents, while lying awake one night in bed I received a visit from a being of light so bright that they were unable to enter in solid form. As I saw inter-dimensionally and had noted many unusual things before, this was of no great surprise to me. It was customary for me in my hours of wakefulness to lie looking out into the cosmos, and I sometimes wondered if the stars were on my ceiling, and the night sky projected across the expanse of my room. I gradually realised that the ceiling itself was not solid and I was seeing right through everything, in exactly the same way as I did throughout my ordinary day, which is exactly what made it so hard to move about. Unable to find the edge of anything, I didn’t know where the parameters of physicality were supposed to begin. Sometimes as I lay in bed the sound of my own heartbeat sent me into a state of shock. Most of the night terrors were as a result of coming crashing back down into a tiny body with colossal force having previously been as vast as all of existence, and finding that I was trapped. A terrifying experience for a small child in a foreign world where nobody spoke my language.
That night as I looked out, I saw that something was different. The arrival of what could only be described as an angel at the foot of my bed confirmed this. The being spoke and said –
“Are you ready to begin?”
Answering in silence I said, “Yes.”
It was conveyed that a 20 year period of trials that would test me to the very limit of my capacity as a human being would commence, and that the successful navigation through this would change all of life forever. And that immediately, I would forget all of this, until such a time as the trials were over and I had proven my ability to handle the knowledge. I would have no option but to traverse the landscape of my soul blindfolded, weaving together the threads of my own being as I went along. The very next night, the event I have already explained where a strange man entered through my window occurred.
From then on, my mum all but shut down to my inner life, and simply stopped talking to me about anything meaningful. How could she possibly have comprehended something like this? As I have explained, I knew that night I was on my own on my journey through the now very dark night. Little did I know, I was never alone.
Over time, it transpired that the purpose of my quest for meaning was to unravel was the mystery of how the dark had come to usurp the light. In any case, what was it that lay beneath this? I knew on a very deep level that one could not be separate from the other. I knew on a very deep level that God was all there is. As the puzzle pieces of my life gradually began to slot together, as the clues revealed themselves one by one, I came to realise that I was studying the cosmic suppression of the feminine. It was imperative for me to grasp that the feminine did not mean women, it meant the feminine aspect of all living things, and in fact of the very foundation of life. That the masculine did not mean men, it meant the masculine that was within my very self. I came to understand that the masculine in its true function is wholly divine, and what had suppressed the feminine was a distortion. If something could be distorted, it followed naturally that it was not the true Source of life. And so then, what was?
In order to find the answers – we descended together, me and my mum, into the oblivion of chaos. But only from a limited perspective was it chaos. What it was really was an old order de-structuring for divine order to take its place.
Through this relationship, my journey eventually brought me to the awareness of the divine and utterly Infinite, Mother. I knew in a flash of revelation some twenty years later that darkness is just an illusion, and all had unfolded from Her. We have played the game of shadow and light, of black and white, of dualistic delusion, only to understand the true nature of ourselves. In her love and utter compassion for me and by proxy for all of life, my own dear mum played exactly the role I needed in order to understand.
Now I have understood, that role can change. I want my life to be a living example of how this can be done. I am going to turn this situation around full circle in action until it is facing right back into the light from whence it came.
You see, when I came here I promised that I would leave nobody behind on my return home, even if they had to be dragged kicking and screaming over aeons of time. I have no intention of relinquishing on that promise, we’re all going together or not at all. There is no darkness, only the eternal luminosity of Infinite Immortal Incorruptible Being. It is only that in some places it remains blindfolded to itself.
Why I Choose Raw
A very short update on my food-related experience of this recent fortnight.
Having dropped all belief systems surrounding food, even down to that something actively poisonous could not possibly harm me, I have found that I have naturally gravitated back towards raw foods.
The reason for this is very simple: it is the sheer delight of eating them.
The best and really the only exciting part of eating for me is in the interaction with another life force. With plants that have their life-force fully intact, as with people who are fully alive to the moment, the interaction between two facets of Infinite expression is greatly enhanced. As my eye meets the eye of an apple, or the glistening nucleus of a grape, we simultaneously perceive the luminosity of each other and a silent “ahh” of appreciation is emitted through the tone of our at once combined cells. Not that they were ever uncombined, but we play the game as we dance our dance, and it is beautiful.
My favourite are the little sprouts that jump around my bowl as I poke them about with my fingers or the tip of a spoon. Or the shining seeds of a pomegranate that I adoringly pick apart, only to grind again into infinitesimal undiscernable pieces in the temple of my jaw. Being able to clearly perceive vibration, the visual sensation of raw dishes is infinitely more appealing, and there is all round more joy involved. Naturally then, my food improves the quality of my life by a far greater degree of intensity.
As in the application of sacred sexuality in any other context, the merging of my unique perspective with that of my meal creates an alchemical equation that leads to exponentially more expansive experience. Unlike most people, my plant friends can maintain this connection open-endedly, and so our relationship is one of mutual beholding of the divinity in one another, with zero drama.
It is only when we live in reverence of the life inherent in all things, however they may appear to our eyes, that the gate of love opens and we step into the portal of our being that will eventually lead to Full Immortal Mastery. With living foods, it is all the more easy to awaken to the One Life that flows through all things, and perceive it even when it appears to be absent.
And with that concluded, I offer you a little prayer this afternoon, in honour of your own divine core.
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O Infinite One who sustains all life
Allow us to see that it is you who breathes motion into every thing
Allow us to see that even where there is darkness, there you are
Allow us to know that when you come in the cloak of shadow, it is so that we may pierce beneath the veil of this garment to seek your luminous flesh
In knowing you, we come to know what we ourselves consistent of
For it is you who lies underneath the garment of us too
Formed yet unformed, made then fluidly unmade
You are the substance that fulfils the hearts of all creation
We need not look outside, but merely behold in all the glory of your being
Unchanging, yet never the same. Unmoving, yet ever moving into newer and newer expressions of your majesty
Here in the bounty of your Earth we model the highest of your finery
Here in the bounty of your Earth we live in the gardens of your Palace
Thank you for gracing us with this divine gift
captainexcellent 