Stalked by Death
That dark shadow, tempting me to take another step…
For the last six months I have been having a most intense experience that until this morning I hadn’t even told my closest about, not wanting to cause fright. It has gradually dawned on me that I am being stalked by the shadow of death, and there is no escaping the inevitable pivotal moment of our direct meeting. That is not to say that this meeting will happen in any fatal capacity, far from it, but that it is an urgent message to live with such extreme awareness as to recognise that effectively any moment could be my last and to be prepared to face it with glory. I am acutely aware that it is an urgent message to prepare myself for what will be a once in a lifetime opportunity, a moment of testing that if passed through successfully, will represent a doorway into a level of consciousness I have been seeking for ages. There is no time to waste.
The first encounter happened late last year, when following the death and subsequent burial of our cat, I went out to find that the remains had been dug up by some animal and the bones thrown out of the ground and strewn directly in my path. Since then several more encounters have followed in quick succession, leaving no more room for denial that an unseen presence is over my shoulder pressing down on my comfort zones, which are rapidly crumbling through my fingers, despite every pitiful attempt to hold on. One of these incidences was the death of another young cat whom we had booked as a companion for an additional feline we had acquired in the meantime, in remarkably similar circumstances that deeply unnerved me. Again out of the corner of my eye I saw that lurking presence, and was faced with the uncomfortable knowing that an unwanted destiny is calling. Both experiences felt like being taunted, not by some punishing entity, but by life itself, almost daring me to keep on saying yes to existence despite the growing challenge of the sheer intensity of my everyday reality.
Last month I didn’t submit an article to the magazine that I have been subscribed to as a writer for the duration of this year, as I truly wasn’t inspired to, feeling confined by the limited number of words with which I had to convey my feelings. I shut myself in my personal cave, knowing that the most important matter at hand was to just get clear on the direction in which my life is going. It feels today that I am ready to emerge from that cave with a renewed sense of stability amid total unknowability, never having the slightest idea what the next day might bring. This in itself is a core insight; it is so clear to me now that any being in existence has only ever pretended to have the vaguest clue of what might happen in life, or the vaguest understanding of any of it. It is a game that we play with ourselves for the illusion of “security”. It is a delusion of the mind, and for me, now, that delusion has been unceremoniously stripped away completely. It feels rather like walking on a razor’s edge with only one’s innate sense of inner balance between thriving and total destruction. There is no space for anything but absolute presence. No space or time for anything except to keep on surrendering.
Quite honestly, I have been deeply shaken by these recent experiences, and the integration of the changes each time requires a great deal of energy. I don’t feel that this is something that is going to ease up any time soon. Most notably the encounter of last week, which has profoundly altered my experience of both formed and formless reality to the degree that there is no going back, no pretending the event didn’t happen. The only possible route therefore going forward is to rearrange my environment to accommodate a rapidly changing purpose that even I cannot see the totality of, all I know is that it is far more than I had first thought. I have no idea where I am going, but I do know that it is a place where most would never dare to tread. I do know this is the path to ultimate freedom.
During this particular event I watched the solid form of my physical reality disintegrate before my physical eyes, and felt pure terror. It took every ounce of my strength to fight the terror and remain calm as the structure of my world around me crumbled. Immediately following, a violent destructuring of my immediate environment took place, challenging me to put my new direct recognition of ultimate fluidity to the test. It is so clear to me now that anything less than absolute and total self-responsibility for the assembling of one’s reality simply will not do. This includes all players, all seeming “other”, all details – stretching as far as the eyes across every dimension can see, in all directions, and in no direction, in all time and in no time, in all space, and in no space. In nothing, and in everything. The Path of Power is one in which we will only be gifted with so much as we are willing to wield alone. There is no other who will save us, or show us the way. The way is encoded uniquely in each of us.
The place in which I am finding myself feels like a peculiar mix between being locked in my own personal torture chamber, and alternately my own personal version of heaven. It seems to fluctuate wildly between the two at a moment’s notice, with no particular thing that triggers either state, and therefore no predicting which one it will be next. In ordinary circumstances I would say that this would be something needing to be worked on, but these are no ordinary circumstances, they are a profound reorganising of my entire state of existence, and yet even that is not accurate in conveying any meaning. There is actually no meaning that can be attributed to this. There is no existence of I that is experiencing this phenomenon, and yet it is profoundly there, yet not there at the same time. This is the incomprehensible reality that is dawning on me now, or rather “me” is dawning on it, and thus being obliterated.
I know from experience that any amount of resistance to the process of what is occurring may present a critical situation, and so the only choice is to allow what is absolutely a total destructing of every shred of everything that has ever been known to me throughout my entire existence. I am losing my mind, and I don’t think it will ever be coming back this time. It feels like madness, yet I know it is the dissolving of the madness in which everybody else resides as “normality”.