Walking the Fine Line

Dear friends

Thank you so much to everyone who has participated in our Sacred Sexuality series, I am deeply grateful for the input of everyone.
Thank you especially to my beloved sister Barbara, without whom I would not have had the courage to share these things at all.

I wanted to share a little bit about my experience over the last few days. To my great surprise (although I prepared) the last two days have been a struggle. Although I have moved into an entirely new reality I find myself still having to deal with the fall-out of the last one. I feel a battle in my body whereby in consciousness I am free but in physicality there are still many things to clear. Basic things, such as the imprint of painful touch on the skin and the muscle memory of having to “brace oneself” for battle.

It is clear to me that having made the absolute decision to walk away from the human games all of this can finally be shed and that is why it’s there. But while there is still any trace of painful physical experience it is difficult to not on some level still have the sense of “separation”. I am learning very carefully to not judge that experience and recognise that it has value that may potentially benefit others. I would like to overcome the tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling “undesirable things”, which feeds the sense of separation.

There are many feelings which are strange to me which have suddenly surfaced, such as anger that I have suppressed my whole life in allowing myself to be a doormat. I feel like I have had to hide my feelings all of this time to cover for the shortcomings of others, and that is something that has to change. Interestingly, I realise now that I have used raw food/food free as crutch to hide what I’m actually feeling (raw food is renowned for disguising anger). That of course is a very useful tool for clearing anger from the body, but can also come at a high cost if it’s used as a repressive mechanism.

Over the last 48hrs I have felt great shame for the way that I actually feel, but I realise this is not healthy and so I need to express it in different ways. If it’s there there must be a value and so I know my task is to share it. The shadow side of anger (which believe it or not has a purpose) manifests as self-hatred and eats away at the self, which tells me that the beneficial side can be used an expression of passion to clear through the debris of the past, as long as we do not judge it. I truly feel that it is an emotion that will be part of history for humanity, but first we need to learn to use it is catalytic ways.

The anger that I feel is not directed at anyone, it is merely a build up of frustration that has never had a safe place to release. It is such a foreign experience to me, but I feel it now like rocks (locks) in my body. It has given me such incredible insights into the deeper nature of the sub-personalities and a ferocious nurturing aspect has arisen that has never been there before. It is the desire to nurture (not protect) the sensitive and the vulnerable, beginning with my inner child who has felt abandoned and unheard. The truth is, though I had done so much work on this already, in still pretending that all is ok I’ve never allowed the child to fully heal. In accepting the unaccepable because the nurturing aspect was not fully functioning I have believed that the child would have to go unheard in order to be safe. Now I see the folly of this, the child is openly wailing so that I can finally hear the confusion she has felt all along. 

This attempt to step away from the human games completely is the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced, there are psychic influences coming at me from every direction. I have noticed that in attempting to stay in the center of my tube torus the very first thing I am encountering is resistance to “undesirable emotions”. This immedidately generates a dialogue in the mind which then speaks directly about the things that are being suppressed. It is fascinating to note now how deeply I have judged myself and how much I have truly tried to hide behind “false strength”.

I have felt shame that I cannot possible exist in a “healing” role if I still feel these things, but that is ridiculous. All I have been doing all along is sharing authentically my experience so I want to open that up to you now… here is my transparent self.

I want to add that I would not be getting through this incredibly tough experience were it not for the amazing support of Niels, who is my rock. He seems to be unmovable by even the stormiest inner seas. Now I need to learn the art of expressing outwardly for myself.

Much love

The Passage Through

What I have learned over the last week is in trying to leave the unreal reality one will be intercepted from every possible angle in completely unexpected ways. However, this is only pointing to elements of the Self that are impeding the Self regardless of what they are presented as. When we understand all is in Oneness, it can be no other way. The mirror reality of duality gives a false depiction. It is elements of our own sub-conscious that intercept our progress, yet there is a way to pre-empt them and it is through the perspective of shamanism.

Nothing need be unexpected if we are aware of our own blind spots and self-defeatest patterns through having tracked them in advance. It seems that more than ever the shamanic perspective is needed to navigate our way through the challenges of this period. I truly feel that any potential shock or loss of energy from unexpected experiences can be alleviated by being prepared in advance. What is there that’s unexpected if we’ve examined every avenue of potential challenge, not through avoidance but through looking it in the eye?

The phenomenon of mind controllers that impede humanity’s progress are nothing more than an aspect of my subconscious risen from the Underworld to show me what I’m missing. Thus I can assist in resolving this problem for everyone by truly embodying my fullness, and this is something we all can do – this is the mantle of our greatness. Our only real responsibility is to wear it with humility and dignity and majesty whatever that is going to mean.

Never before in my life have I had to employ such stealth just to navigate clearly, this time is indeed the ultimate test. Just like Almine has said in describing our current condition, completely releasing the human games is “the final battle” for the spiritual warrior. The interesting thing is, although this is indeed a battle it cannot be approached from the old warrior perspective. I have noted the temptation to go “into battle” as if the seemingly opposing elements are somehow outside of Oneself and should be met with resistance. However, they are not, they are within and the path of least resistance is the only one that will take us through the portal of ourselves. Battle as a mental concept must yield to something completely different – the warrior’s battle must become one of ultimate surrender. Surrender in the truest sense does not mean to avoid our own fears, it means to examine them with a fine-toothed comb.

I have found that like a cat stalking the ultimate prey we must squeeze through the tiniest spaces amid the grasses to creep up on ourselves. The prey is the ever moving “goal” of total embodied Self-realisation and what we are really stalking is our subconscious tendencies to self-sabotage. Everything is fully supported now for us to step into the new reality if to do so is our goal and this is what we’re aiming for. It is only when we are not supporting ourselves that anything can impede us in any way whatsoever – an important truth to grasp.

Yesterday a cat in my environment who is part of the fabric of the dream was stung on the lip by a wasp in attempting to stalk something bigger. This was clearly showing me how mirrors in my environment are bound to show me hostility as long as there are subconscious issues. Anything of myself that can possibly impede my passage out of the matrix must be brought into the light of consciousness and faced directly without fear. This would be the true meaning of surrender: to walk through, not to avoid myself by going round, over, under or anywhere else for that matter.

“What are you so afraid of?” said the Infinite to Alice.
“Myself”, said Alice.
“Ah yes, I thought so.”

My experiences over the last few days have revealed many things to me including hidden hints of self-importance, false responsibility, the tendency to settle for feeling needed rather than feeling lovable (in this case by the Infinite) and general self-imposed limitations. All gaps in perception that I needed to fill in order to progress any further and all belonging to the old reality of separation consciousness. I feel that in order to become “free” if free means unbounded in expression all that does not belong to Divinity must be completely shed at this time. Binding to servitude does not belong, duty does not belong, responsibility to others does not belong (unless it is part of one’s immediate role). The old concept of honour does not belong, false humility does not belong, loyalty does not belong (except to the One Life) – so much needs to go. Martyrdom is general simply will not fly, we cannot keep this perspective and embrace our Godhood too.

There is so much that we have come to accept as who and what we are even at high levels of consciousness that no longer works in any way. I have seen that all that has been known simply must go, there is no space for the bindings of an illusory past in a living reality of Oneness. In truth, to live in the new reality appears to be to embrace the Unknowable with every fibre of our being from a totally silent mind.

I have been asked many times recently what to do about sudden mental noise and I can say authentically that it can be used as a tool. Unruly thoughts if we pay attention through mindfulness are pointing to areas of resistance that are a product of sub-conscious fears that are surfacing at this time. If we listen carefully, we can find the root of these. I feel that this is the best preparation for “the final battle” with ourselves.