Walking the Fine Line

Dear friends

Thank you so much to everyone who has participated in our Sacred Sexuality series, I am deeply grateful for the input of everyone.
Thank you especially to my beloved sister Barbara, without whom I would not have had the courage to share these things at all.

I wanted to share a little bit about my experience over the last few days. To my great surprise (although I prepared) the last two days have been a struggle. Although I have moved into an entirely new reality I find myself still having to deal with the fall-out of the last one. I feel a battle in my body whereby in consciousness I am free but in physicality there are still many things to clear. Basic things, such as the imprint of painful touch on the skin and the muscle memory of having to “brace oneself” for battle.

It is clear to me that having made the absolute decision to walk away from the human games all of this can finally be shed and that is why it’s there. But while there is still any trace of painful physical experience it is difficult to not on some level still have the sense of “separation”. I am learning very carefully to not judge that experience and recognise that it has value that may potentially benefit others. I would like to overcome the tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling “undesirable things”, which feeds the sense of separation.

There are many feelings which are strange to me which have suddenly surfaced, such as anger that I have suppressed my whole life in allowing myself to be a doormat. I feel like I have had to hide my feelings all of this time to cover for the shortcomings of others, and that is something that has to change. Interestingly, I realise now that I have used raw food/food free as crutch to hide what I’m actually feeling (raw food is renowned for disguising anger). That of course is a very useful tool for clearing anger from the body, but can also come at a high cost if it’s used as a repressive mechanism.

Over the last 48hrs I have felt great shame for the way that I actually feel, but I realise this is not healthy and so I need to express it in different ways. If it’s there there must be a value and so I know my task is to share it. The shadow side of anger (which believe it or not has a purpose) manifests as self-hatred and eats away at the self, which tells me that the beneficial side can be used an expression of passion to clear through the debris of the past, as long as we do not judge it. I truly feel that it is an emotion that will be part of history for humanity, but first we need to learn to use it is catalytic ways.

The anger that I feel is not directed at anyone, it is merely a build up of frustration that has never had a safe place to release. It is such a foreign experience to me, but I feel it now like rocks (locks) in my body. It has given me such incredible insights into the deeper nature of the sub-personalities and a ferocious nurturing aspect has arisen that has never been there before. It is the desire to nurture (not protect) the sensitive and the vulnerable, beginning with my inner child who has felt abandoned and unheard. The truth is, though I had done so much work on this already, in still pretending that all is ok I’ve never allowed the child to fully heal. In accepting the unaccepable because the nurturing aspect was not fully functioning I have believed that the child would have to go unheard in order to be safe. Now I see the folly of this, the child is openly wailing so that I can finally hear the confusion she has felt all along. 

This attempt to step away from the human games completely is the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced, there are psychic influences coming at me from every direction. I have noticed that in attempting to stay in the center of my tube torus the very first thing I am encountering is resistance to “undesirable emotions”. This immedidately generates a dialogue in the mind which then speaks directly about the things that are being suppressed. It is fascinating to note now how deeply I have judged myself and how much I have truly tried to hide behind “false strength”.

I have felt shame that I cannot possible exist in a “healing” role if I still feel these things, but that is ridiculous. All I have been doing all along is sharing authentically my experience so I want to open that up to you now… here is my transparent self.

I want to add that I would not be getting through this incredibly tough experience were it not for the amazing support of Niels, who is my rock. He seems to be unmovable by even the stormiest inner seas. Now I need to learn the art of expressing outwardly for myself.

Much love